Being Single Cracks Me Up

The single life is relatively new to me. My marriage ended about a year and a half ago. I have decided that I would like to meet someone and possibly get married again at some point in the future. Being single gets lonely sometimes, but you know what? I have learned that it can be pretty darn funny, too. In the short time that I have been back on the dating scene, I have found myself in situations that I once thought could only happen in fiction. For example:

Laughable situation #1: In my infinite wisdom, I decided I would reconnect with a guy I dated years ago. I know, I know...an ex is an ex for a reason and I should have left him in the past. Well I didn't. He was stationed in Afghanistan at the time, so we were communicating via phone calls and the internet. During this time, he decided that he wanted to try to work things out with another of his exes. Instead of simply telling me that, he took steps to make me believe he had been blown up. His plan didn't work. Mostly because it was a stupid idea and I have a brain. When it didn't work between him and the other ex, he tried to reconnect with me again. Sorry, buddy...I can't date people who have been blown to pieces. Better luck next time.

Laughable situation #2: I met a college professor from Switzerland. He had been teaching in the US for a couple of years, but still spent his summers in Switzerland. He and I had some amazing conversations and I really enjoyed getting to know him. But only until I heard from an Australian woman who informed me that she was married to this Swiss guy. I promptly apologized, told her I had no clue he was married, and ended all communication with this man. Now this is a sad story because this husband's actions were devastating to his family. But it also falls into the "laughable" category because...really? Who, other than me, manages to find themselves in the middle of drama that spans 3 continents? Sheesh!

Laughable situation #3: A friend introduced me to a man who lives about 3 hours away. We were getting to know each other through phone calls, text messages, and of course, facebook. Then the creepiness began. One day, this man called my home phone, but I didn't answer because I was busy cooking and my hands were a mess. He left a message and then called my cell phone. Obviously he didn't know that I was home, so that makes sense. He left a message on that voicemail, too. Fine. Then he sent a text. Really? That's a bit much. I finished cooking, washed my hands, and decided to check my email before calling him back. That's when I discovered that, in addition to the 2 phone calls and the text, he had also emailed me AND sent me a message on facebook. All just to say hi!!! This, my friends, is what you call going overboard. And it's not just dangling a foot overboard. This is the creepy, makes me want to change my contact info kind of overboard. That was the last day I ever spoke to that man. I informed him that if he can make me feel smothered from 200 miles away, I'd be afraid to get any closer. Yikes!

Laughable situation #4: I enjoy running in the park. I went for a run the other night and, after I had been running for quite some time, I passed a rather attractive guy who was stretching by his car. There was a brief moment of eye contact, but I was running past and I refuse to turn my head for a second look when I am a gross, sweaty mess. About a minute later, I heard the quick footsteps of someone running up behind me. As he was passing, I looked over and saw that it was that guy, who was not yet out of breath, sweaty, or gross. He smiled and said, "Let's race." I smiled back and breathlessly responded, "Yeah, right." He smiled again, playfully nudged my arm, and said, "Come on, you can keep up." I laughed. Well, kind of. Real laughing isn't really possible when you're panting instead of breathing. He smiled one more time, returned to his much faster pace, and disappeared around the curve ahead. Congratulations, Mr. Running Guy. You have managed to flirt a bit, start a conversation, AND make me feel completely out of shape....all at the same time. Now that's talent!

Laughable situation #5: There are many different ways to approach women. I recently had a man approach me using what may have been the worst method anyone has ever used to start a conversation with me. This man, who I've met briefly two times before, walked up to me and said, "What's poppin, Baby?" RED LIGHT!!! Stop...right...there! Let me break this down. If we barely know each other, please refrain from from using relationship-style pet names while addressing me. Stick with my first name. At least then I would know that you actually remember my name. Not only that, but this man is a self-proclaimed country boy who lives in the Midwest. The words "what's poppin" coming out of his mouth sounded so forced and awkward that it was almost painful to hear. Instead of sounding cool, or smooth, or whatever he was going for, he sounded so ridiculous that I had to end the conversation and walk away quickly to prevent him from seeing me giggle. Please, guys. Just be yourself. It works a lot better!

I know that there are good Christian men out there somewhere. But I wonder how long it will be until I meet someone who doesn't make me walk away before we even make it to a first date...