I love my job. Having a home daycare allows me to be home with my daughter, it allows me to touch the lives of many children, it allows me to do housework throughout the day so I can just relax in the evenings, I don't have a boss to answer to, and the list of perks could go on and on. One of the less obvious benefits is that I get to say things throughout the day that most other people will never say through the course of an entire lifetime. For example:
"Stop being dead and go potty." Yep, I said that. Two little girls were pretending to be dead for about 3 hours yesterday. One of them was so busy being dead that she was doing the standard potty dance while laying on the living room floor. Children, even the ones who say they aren't alive, are not allowed to pee on my carpet.
"This is why we don't smoosh babies into bags." Now when I said that, I was referring to a baby doll who lost her head while being shoved into a backpack, but this is pretty good advice for people taking care of real babies, too.
"Stop chewing on the dog's bone." Unfortunately, this is said all too often. Gross.
"Monsters aren't allowed in my house." Ok, so maybe I'm not the only person to say this, but my guess is that most people say something along these lines to comfort a child who is afraid of monsters. Not in my house. It's actually a punishment. Anytime I say to stop running in the house, the kids immediately inform me that there are monsters chasing them. So I do the only logical thing I can do....I kick the invisible monsters out of my house. The kids have actually cried because the scary monsters that chase them were sent into exile.
"You can't both use the same hair tie." This has nothing to do with not sharing hair products because of lice or anything like that. This one happened when 2 girls tried to put the hair on both of their heads into the same ponytail. Hmmm....now that I think about it, this could be a step above forcing two fighting kids to hug. I could just tie them together at the scalp. I wonder if there are laws against that...
"Dinosaurs and lions are friends." While most paleontologists will probably have a problem with that statement, they have never seen two children pretending to be animals from 2 very different eras in a fight to the death.
"Birds don't like playing catch with beach balls." If you have a bird who does happen to enjoy this, I have a 2 year old here that would love to play with it.
A few more years of this and I may not be able to carry on conversations with adults!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Being Single Cracks Me Up
The single life is relatively new to me. My marriage ended about a year and a half ago. I have decided that I would like to meet someone and possibly get married again at some point in the future. Being single gets lonely sometimes, but you know what? I have learned that it can be pretty darn funny, too. In the short time that I have been back on the dating scene, I have found myself in situations that I once thought could only happen in fiction. For example:
Laughable situation #1: In my infinite wisdom, I decided I would reconnect with a guy I dated years ago. I know, I know...an ex is an ex for a reason and I should have left him in the past. Well I didn't. He was stationed in Afghanistan at the time, so we were communicating via phone calls and the internet. During this time, he decided that he wanted to try to work things out with another of his exes. Instead of simply telling me that, he took steps to make me believe he had been blown up. His plan didn't work. Mostly because it was a stupid idea and I have a brain. When it didn't work between him and the other ex, he tried to reconnect with me again. Sorry, buddy...I can't date people who have been blown to pieces. Better luck next time.
Laughable situation #2: I met a college professor from Switzerland. He had been teaching in the US for a couple of years, but still spent his summers in Switzerland. He and I had some amazing conversations and I really enjoyed getting to know him. But only until I heard from an Australian woman who informed me that she was married to this Swiss guy. I promptly apologized, told her I had no clue he was married, and ended all communication with this man. Now this is a sad story because this husband's actions were devastating to his family. But it also falls into the "laughable" category because...really? Who, other than me, manages to find themselves in the middle of drama that spans 3 continents? Sheesh!
Laughable situation #3: A friend introduced me to a man who lives about 3 hours away. We were getting to know each other through phone calls, text messages, and of course, facebook. Then the creepiness began. One day, this man called my home phone, but I didn't answer because I was busy cooking and my hands were a mess. He left a message and then called my cell phone. Obviously he didn't know that I was home, so that makes sense. He left a message on that voicemail, too. Fine. Then he sent a text. Really? That's a bit much. I finished cooking, washed my hands, and decided to check my email before calling him back. That's when I discovered that, in addition to the 2 phone calls and the text, he had also emailed me AND sent me a message on facebook. All just to say hi!!! This, my friends, is what you call going overboard. And it's not just dangling a foot overboard. This is the creepy, makes me want to change my contact info kind of overboard. That was the last day I ever spoke to that man. I informed him that if he can make me feel smothered from 200 miles away, I'd be afraid to get any closer. Yikes!
Laughable situation #4: I enjoy running in the park. I went for a run the other night and, after I had been running for quite some time, I passed a rather attractive guy who was stretching by his car. There was a brief moment of eye contact, but I was running past and I refuse to turn my head for a second look when I am a gross, sweaty mess. About a minute later, I heard the quick footsteps of someone running up behind me. As he was passing, I looked over and saw that it was that guy, who was not yet out of breath, sweaty, or gross. He smiled and said, "Let's race." I smiled back and breathlessly responded, "Yeah, right." He smiled again, playfully nudged my arm, and said, "Come on, you can keep up." I laughed. Well, kind of. Real laughing isn't really possible when you're panting instead of breathing. He smiled one more time, returned to his much faster pace, and disappeared around the curve ahead. Congratulations, Mr. Running Guy. You have managed to flirt a bit, start a conversation, AND make me feel completely out of shape....all at the same time. Now that's talent!
Laughable situation #5: There are many different ways to approach women. I recently had a man approach me using what may have been the worst method anyone has ever used to start a conversation with me. This man, who I've met briefly two times before, walked up to me and said, "What's poppin, Baby?" RED LIGHT!!! Stop...right...there! Let me break this down. If we barely know each other, please refrain from from using relationship-style pet names while addressing me. Stick with my first name. At least then I would know that you actually remember my name. Not only that, but this man is a self-proclaimed country boy who lives in the Midwest. The words "what's poppin" coming out of his mouth sounded so forced and awkward that it was almost painful to hear. Instead of sounding cool, or smooth, or whatever he was going for, he sounded so ridiculous that I had to end the conversation and walk away quickly to prevent him from seeing me giggle. Please, guys. Just be yourself. It works a lot better!
I know that there are good Christian men out there somewhere. But I wonder how long it will be until I meet someone who doesn't make me walk away before we even make it to a first date...
Laughable situation #1: In my infinite wisdom, I decided I would reconnect with a guy I dated years ago. I know, I know...an ex is an ex for a reason and I should have left him in the past. Well I didn't. He was stationed in Afghanistan at the time, so we were communicating via phone calls and the internet. During this time, he decided that he wanted to try to work things out with another of his exes. Instead of simply telling me that, he took steps to make me believe he had been blown up. His plan didn't work. Mostly because it was a stupid idea and I have a brain. When it didn't work between him and the other ex, he tried to reconnect with me again. Sorry, buddy...I can't date people who have been blown to pieces. Better luck next time.
Laughable situation #2: I met a college professor from Switzerland. He had been teaching in the US for a couple of years, but still spent his summers in Switzerland. He and I had some amazing conversations and I really enjoyed getting to know him. But only until I heard from an Australian woman who informed me that she was married to this Swiss guy. I promptly apologized, told her I had no clue he was married, and ended all communication with this man. Now this is a sad story because this husband's actions were devastating to his family. But it also falls into the "laughable" category because...really? Who, other than me, manages to find themselves in the middle of drama that spans 3 continents? Sheesh!
Laughable situation #3: A friend introduced me to a man who lives about 3 hours away. We were getting to know each other through phone calls, text messages, and of course, facebook. Then the creepiness began. One day, this man called my home phone, but I didn't answer because I was busy cooking and my hands were a mess. He left a message and then called my cell phone. Obviously he didn't know that I was home, so that makes sense. He left a message on that voicemail, too. Fine. Then he sent a text. Really? That's a bit much. I finished cooking, washed my hands, and decided to check my email before calling him back. That's when I discovered that, in addition to the 2 phone calls and the text, he had also emailed me AND sent me a message on facebook. All just to say hi!!! This, my friends, is what you call going overboard. And it's not just dangling a foot overboard. This is the creepy, makes me want to change my contact info kind of overboard. That was the last day I ever spoke to that man. I informed him that if he can make me feel smothered from 200 miles away, I'd be afraid to get any closer. Yikes!
Laughable situation #4: I enjoy running in the park. I went for a run the other night and, after I had been running for quite some time, I passed a rather attractive guy who was stretching by his car. There was a brief moment of eye contact, but I was running past and I refuse to turn my head for a second look when I am a gross, sweaty mess. About a minute later, I heard the quick footsteps of someone running up behind me. As he was passing, I looked over and saw that it was that guy, who was not yet out of breath, sweaty, or gross. He smiled and said, "Let's race." I smiled back and breathlessly responded, "Yeah, right." He smiled again, playfully nudged my arm, and said, "Come on, you can keep up." I laughed. Well, kind of. Real laughing isn't really possible when you're panting instead of breathing. He smiled one more time, returned to his much faster pace, and disappeared around the curve ahead. Congratulations, Mr. Running Guy. You have managed to flirt a bit, start a conversation, AND make me feel completely out of shape....all at the same time. Now that's talent!
Laughable situation #5: There are many different ways to approach women. I recently had a man approach me using what may have been the worst method anyone has ever used to start a conversation with me. This man, who I've met briefly two times before, walked up to me and said, "What's poppin, Baby?" RED LIGHT!!! Stop...right...there! Let me break this down. If we barely know each other, please refrain from from using relationship-style pet names while addressing me. Stick with my first name. At least then I would know that you actually remember my name. Not only that, but this man is a self-proclaimed country boy who lives in the Midwest. The words "what's poppin" coming out of his mouth sounded so forced and awkward that it was almost painful to hear. Instead of sounding cool, or smooth, or whatever he was going for, he sounded so ridiculous that I had to end the conversation and walk away quickly to prevent him from seeing me giggle. Please, guys. Just be yourself. It works a lot better!
I know that there are good Christian men out there somewhere. But I wonder how long it will be until I meet someone who doesn't make me walk away before we even make it to a first date...
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Ms. Love and the Green People
I believe I am being stalked by green people. Before you reach for the phone to call the men in white coats, you need to know that I am not under the impression that extra-terrestrials are following me around, taking notes about my daily life, and making preparations to abduct me sometime in the near future. I'm not that crazy!
No, the green people I'm referring to are actually humans. The ones who have devoted their lives to keeping the environment as clean and intact as possible. Please note that I have nothing against these people. In fact, I'm pretty certain that I have a future green person living in the bedroom across the hall. I'm ok with that. I kinda like this planet. It needs activists.
I'm not having problems with any specific green individual. My stalkers exist more on the corporate level of greendom. Here's the deal. In the past, I gave my daughter (future green person) a subscription to a children's magazine all about animals, the environment, and other green topics. She loves it.
Now that the subscription is nearing expiration, my mailbox is being overloaded with reminders to renew, great discounts if I renew, and even offers of free gifts if I renew. My virtual mailbox is receiving just as many of these offers as the box outside my front door. Unfortunately for the green people, I will not renew my subscription right now because I am living in money-saving mode. Their offers are being ignored.
The other day, I received an email from this green organization telling me how disappointed my child will be if she stops getting this magazine in the mail. Really? You're gonna go there? Listen here, Mr. Green Organization: resorting to guilt-inducing tactis is just mean. As a mother, I would obviously like to continue giving my daughter something she enjoys. However, I also like having the money to pay my bills in full each month. And in a head-to-head competition, bills will beat magazine subscriptions every single time.
Five minutes after I read the email designed to make me feel like a horribly mean mother, the mailman came. He brought me an offer from the green people. It was offering me a free something-or-other that "your child is sure to love" as a thank you gift for renewing.
If at first, guilt doesn't succeed, resort to bribery. Nice try, green people.
Suddenly, in the last 4 days, I began getting offers for children's magazines from two other green organizations. Guilt didn't work. Bribery didn't work. So they sold me.
Today I got something in the mail from Green Organization #1. It had nothing to do with magazines. It just asked for a donation. Apparently, they had to make it clear that even if I no longer have a child interested in the magazine, they are still willing to take my money. This would have been more successful had they tried this approach before they began their adventures in harassment.
I wonder if the green people realize how much paper they have wasted because of their stalking strategy. It's very un-green.
No, the green people I'm referring to are actually humans. The ones who have devoted their lives to keeping the environment as clean and intact as possible. Please note that I have nothing against these people. In fact, I'm pretty certain that I have a future green person living in the bedroom across the hall. I'm ok with that. I kinda like this planet. It needs activists.
I'm not having problems with any specific green individual. My stalkers exist more on the corporate level of greendom. Here's the deal. In the past, I gave my daughter (future green person) a subscription to a children's magazine all about animals, the environment, and other green topics. She loves it.
Now that the subscription is nearing expiration, my mailbox is being overloaded with reminders to renew, great discounts if I renew, and even offers of free gifts if I renew. My virtual mailbox is receiving just as many of these offers as the box outside my front door. Unfortunately for the green people, I will not renew my subscription right now because I am living in money-saving mode. Their offers are being ignored.
The other day, I received an email from this green organization telling me how disappointed my child will be if she stops getting this magazine in the mail. Really? You're gonna go there? Listen here, Mr. Green Organization: resorting to guilt-inducing tactis is just mean. As a mother, I would obviously like to continue giving my daughter something she enjoys. However, I also like having the money to pay my bills in full each month. And in a head-to-head competition, bills will beat magazine subscriptions every single time.
Five minutes after I read the email designed to make me feel like a horribly mean mother, the mailman came. He brought me an offer from the green people. It was offering me a free something-or-other that "your child is sure to love" as a thank you gift for renewing.
If at first, guilt doesn't succeed, resort to bribery. Nice try, green people.
Suddenly, in the last 4 days, I began getting offers for children's magazines from two other green organizations. Guilt didn't work. Bribery didn't work. So they sold me.
Today I got something in the mail from Green Organization #1. It had nothing to do with magazines. It just asked for a donation. Apparently, they had to make it clear that even if I no longer have a child interested in the magazine, they are still willing to take my money. This would have been more successful had they tried this approach before they began their adventures in harassment.
I wonder if the green people realize how much paper they have wasted because of their stalking strategy. It's very un-green.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Ms. Love's List
I love lists. They are a necessary part of my daily life. I'm not sure I would know how to function without them. As a result of this strange obsession with lists, I will begin my adventures in blogging with a list all about my favorite topic - me!
1. My name really is Ms. Love. I wasn't born with this name. As a matter of fact, this name is one of the only things I still have from my former marriage. I wasn't a fan of all the emotional baggage associated with a divorce, so I got rid of all that. But the name? I like the name. I decided to keep it.
2. I love Jesus. A lot. But I refuse to be one of those people who wear a nametag that says "Christian" and then turn my nose up at everyone who doesn't wear a matching nametag. Actually, some of my favorite people in the world don't wear matching nametags. I simply share my beliefs with people, pray for them, and try to love everyone. I have a lot more time to enjoy life when I'm not busy judging everyone who crosses my path.
3. I am a single mom. I have a 10 year old sidekick who has the ability to make me cry happy tears, sad my-baby's-growing-up tears, proud mommy tears, and end-of-my-rope tears of frustration...all in the same day. She wants to grow up to be a model (but refuses to cut her hair or wear skimpy clothing), rescue orphans, feed hungry people around the world, protect endangered species, and return the earth to its pristine, pre-human condition. And she wants to photograph every moment of every day. She has informed me that she will do all these things without the use of math, so she doesn't really have to focus on that class. I promptly pointed out that she will not be able to practice any of those things if she spends the rest of her childhood grounded for not doing her best in math. We'll see who wins.
4. I own a home daycare business. As if it wasn't hard enough to raise a child by myself, I have made the choice to open my front door every morning and allow other people's children to spend 8 - 10 hours with me before going back out the door. Even though my own child is 10 years old, dirty diapers, baby food, terrible two's, and temper tantrums are still part of my everyday life. And I do this to myself on purpose. Clearly I am out of my mind.
5. Coffee is one of my favorite things on the planet. I love it even more than purses and shoes. (Collective gasp.........NOW!) I treat coffee as though it is a food group. If I don't get the recommended number of servings daily, the results can be hazardous to the health of those around me.
I'll end my list here. Five is a good number. Lists that end with weird numbers (like say, 6 or 7) bother me and I would have to add more items until I reach a more desirable number (you know, like 10). And I really don't have time to do that because there is a to-do list waiting for me on the kitchen counter.
1. My name really is Ms. Love. I wasn't born with this name. As a matter of fact, this name is one of the only things I still have from my former marriage. I wasn't a fan of all the emotional baggage associated with a divorce, so I got rid of all that. But the name? I like the name. I decided to keep it.
2. I love Jesus. A lot. But I refuse to be one of those people who wear a nametag that says "Christian" and then turn my nose up at everyone who doesn't wear a matching nametag. Actually, some of my favorite people in the world don't wear matching nametags. I simply share my beliefs with people, pray for them, and try to love everyone. I have a lot more time to enjoy life when I'm not busy judging everyone who crosses my path.
3. I am a single mom. I have a 10 year old sidekick who has the ability to make me cry happy tears, sad my-baby's-growing-up tears, proud mommy tears, and end-of-my-rope tears of frustration...all in the same day. She wants to grow up to be a model (but refuses to cut her hair or wear skimpy clothing), rescue orphans, feed hungry people around the world, protect endangered species, and return the earth to its pristine, pre-human condition. And she wants to photograph every moment of every day. She has informed me that she will do all these things without the use of math, so she doesn't really have to focus on that class. I promptly pointed out that she will not be able to practice any of those things if she spends the rest of her childhood grounded for not doing her best in math. We'll see who wins.
4. I own a home daycare business. As if it wasn't hard enough to raise a child by myself, I have made the choice to open my front door every morning and allow other people's children to spend 8 - 10 hours with me before going back out the door. Even though my own child is 10 years old, dirty diapers, baby food, terrible two's, and temper tantrums are still part of my everyday life. And I do this to myself on purpose. Clearly I am out of my mind.
5. Coffee is one of my favorite things on the planet. I love it even more than purses and shoes. (Collective gasp.........NOW!) I treat coffee as though it is a food group. If I don't get the recommended number of servings daily, the results can be hazardous to the health of those around me.
I'll end my list here. Five is a good number. Lists that end with weird numbers (like say, 6 or 7) bother me and I would have to add more items until I reach a more desirable number (you know, like 10). And I really don't have time to do that because there is a to-do list waiting for me on the kitchen counter.
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